Number 2

So today I broke down crying because I was woken while I took an afternoon nap. I dont know why, but it really got to me

"why are you always on that computer? You should go outside more" -my dad

good fucking grief. Give me one single reason why I should. There is literally nothing fun to do on your own. wether it be going shopping, drinking coffee, even just taking a walk. All I see whenever I go out is couples, not exactly helping the loneliness I already cannot deal with. And I´d LOVE to go with my friends, if they "didnt have work"(except I can see you just over there...) or "didn´t have other plans" (your home is in the same direction mine is genius. I can look over my shoulder too.). I tried to go take a walk during last summer, just to confirm my thoughts. Couples, couples everywhere. Thanks for the reminder that Im alone. I needed that. I couldnt care less that Im walking on the road, because the chances of me being hit by a car is smaller than me getting a girlfriend. Its surprisingly effective in calming me down whenever I should feel scared.

Lately I've begun having the suicide thoughts again. There´s just so much shit going on now, that it would all just go away if I just ended it right now. But I really dont wanna do it if whoever´s left are just gonna lie about how my life was. I remember attending my grandmothers funeral. She was a real sad sight when I saw her last, and yet, the priest said that "untill her last moments, she kept smiling and spread happiness to whomever she talked to". Quite the far cry from what I saw. Thats the primary reason as to why I wont end it. because then my life would become a complete lie and nobody would ever know what I have to deal with on a daily basis. though I do sometimes joke with myself about who and how many would attend my funeral, and how many would just be sitting playing flappy bird or whatever during it.

On another note, Ive noticed that Im becoming completely numb to other people and gradually becoming more and more emotionless. Just now I read an old story I havent read in years (Tomoyo After: shining dear memories) and I remember myself crying for 20 minutes straight. I reread it, I dont feel a thing. Not to mention the unbelievably high number of homeless people on the street. Before I felt bad about walking past them, but today I couldnt give a rats ass about them because they were probably just begging for money to buy more drugs. they made their bed, now they can damn well go sleep in it.

I lost the ability to read emotions long ago, and my sight is getting worse too. I can´t even read big text 1 1/2 meters in front of me anymore.