Number 3

I know, I know I've let you down 
I've been a fool to myself 
I thought that I could 
live for no one else 

But now through all the hurt and pain 
Its time for me to respect 
the ones you love 
mean more than anything. 

So with sadness in my heart 
I feel the best thing I could do 
is end it all 
and leave forever 
whats done is done, it feels so bad 
what once was happy now is sad 
I'll never love again 
my world is ending 

I wish that I could turn back time 
'cause now the guilt is all mine 
can't live without the trust from those you love. 
I know we can't forget the past 
you can't forget love and pride 
because of that it's killing me inside 

It all returns to nothing, it all comes 
tumbling down, tumbling down, 
tumbling down, 
it all returns to nothing, I just keep 
letting me down, letting me down, 
letting me down, 
in my heart of hearts, 
I know that I could never love again 
I've lost everything 
everything, everything 
that matters to me, 
matters in this world 

I wish that I could turn back time 
'cause now all the guilt is mine 
can't live without 
the trust from those you love 
I know we can't forget the past 
we can't forget love and pride 
because of that, its killing me inside 

It all returns to nothing, it all comes 
tumbling down, tumbling down, 
tumbling down 
it all returns to nothing, I just keep 
letting me down, letting me down, 
letting me down 
It all returns to nothing, it all comes 
tumbling down, tumbling down, 
tumbling down 
it all returns to nothing, I just keep 
letting me down, letting me down, 
letting me down

Number 2

So today I broke down crying because I was woken while I took an afternoon nap. I dont know why, but it really got to me

"why are you always on that computer? You should go outside more" -my dad

good fucking grief. Give me one single reason why I should. There is literally nothing fun to do on your own. wether it be going shopping, drinking coffee, even just taking a walk. All I see whenever I go out is couples, not exactly helping the loneliness I already cannot deal with. And I´d LOVE to go with my friends, if they "didnt have work"(except I can see you just over there...) or "didn´t have other plans" (your home is in the same direction mine is genius. I can look over my shoulder too.). I tried to go take a walk during last summer, just to confirm my thoughts. Couples, couples everywhere. Thanks for the reminder that Im alone. I needed that. I couldnt care less that Im walking on the road, because the chances of me being hit by a car is smaller than me getting a girlfriend. Its surprisingly effective in calming me down whenever I should feel scared.

Lately I've begun having the suicide thoughts again. There´s just so much shit going on now, that it would all just go away if I just ended it right now. But I really dont wanna do it if whoever´s left are just gonna lie about how my life was. I remember attending my grandmothers funeral. She was a real sad sight when I saw her last, and yet, the priest said that "untill her last moments, she kept smiling and spread happiness to whomever she talked to". Quite the far cry from what I saw. Thats the primary reason as to why I wont end it. because then my life would become a complete lie and nobody would ever know what I have to deal with on a daily basis. though I do sometimes joke with myself about who and how many would attend my funeral, and how many would just be sitting playing flappy bird or whatever during it.

On another note, Ive noticed that Im becoming completely numb to other people and gradually becoming more and more emotionless. Just now I read an old story I havent read in years (Tomoyo After: shining dear memories) and I remember myself crying for 20 minutes straight. I reread it, I dont feel a thing. Not to mention the unbelievably high number of homeless people on the street. Before I felt bad about walking past them, but today I couldnt give a rats ass about them because they were probably just begging for money to buy more drugs. they made their bed, now they can damn well go sleep in it.

I lost the ability to read emotions long ago, and my sight is getting worse too. I can´t even read big text 1 1/2 meters in front of me anymore.

Number 1

So heres the long and short of it: i dont trust anybody. If its like that, its not like i can talk to anyone about it. Who would believe me anyway? They'd just think i am an attentionseeking fuck.

This gives me LOADS of problems. Ranging from being unable to use something simple like customer services, to talking about how i feel. Like, if someone asks me how im doing, they dont fucking care, they ask because they either cant come up with a better conversationspark, or they do it because of some obligation (like if its someone i havent met in awhile) 

They dont give a rats ass about my actual feelings. They dont want to hear about my sisters anorexia, they dont wanna hear about my dad being a two-faced fuck that has left numerous mental scars on both me and my sister. And finally, none of them wants to hear that the last time i smiled from the bottom of my heart was when i was 9. None of you care, stop pretending to.

I want to go to a therapist, but why the fuck should i tell my deepest thoughts to some fuck thats being PAID TO LISTEN?

I do NOT want to talk to someone that couldnt be less interested in hearing what i say or think.

Just like my birthdays. Theres always one guy that notices it on facebook, and then "congratulates" me. As if he actually cared, holy shit, god forbid that ever happens. Then the entire fucking class, of whom i speak to maybe 3 at most, yells "happy birthday" in unison. Now, in my mind, birthdays are days where we appreciate that we have met. Never talking to me except for my birthday? Right, you sure appreciate that weve met, now go fuck yourself. Heck, if i could choose, id rather society didnt force you to congratulate me on my birthdays. Makes it easier on both of us. You dont have to pretend to be friends with some weird quiet-except-it-means-complete-socially-inept guy that you never knew existed untill five seconds ago, and i dont have to pretend that anybody actually cares wether i live or die.

Back to the actual day itself: proceeds JUST like any other day, except maybe i get to decide what to eat for dinner, maybe. Wow. I sure feel wanted and appreciated.

Done for now, saving the rest for some other time.